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What To Do If You Catch Your Parents Having Sex?

Starting Your Sex Life:What To Do If You Catch Your Parents Having Sex

Dr Hannibal Lecter is a madman, but why? It’s because he once caught his parents having sex- dirty, filthy sex. He developed some techniques to stop the horror, and shares them with you in this delightful film.

1. Step 1: Hearing it. Hearing your mother in the throes of ecstasy can break the soul, so drown it out at all costs. Use ear plugs, strap pillows to your head, or put on some headphones, a blast of The Village People works a treat for me. Or just slice off your ears. Find a way to let them know you are aware of their love play. Try playing the same song every time. May I suggest Salt ‘n’ Peppa’s seminal classic “Lets Talk About Sex”. Failing that, march up and down yelling Who’s the Daddy? and see how they like it.
2. Step 2: If you walk in on them. The best idea is just never barge into their room If you fail in this simple task, just act innocent. Strike up a conversation. “Hello fine fellows, what are you up to?” They will probably make an excuse, such as scaring bed mites. Be prepared for a straight answer though, in which case the only choice you have is to accept it. You could just stand and scream. Scream and scream and scream. Until they promise they will never dare look at each others sinful skin again.
3. Step 3: If it’s kinky… Grab a camera and take a photo, providing you bribes a go-go. Suggest if they ever behave in such a way again this photo will be going up at the work place, in their friends inboxes, and be part of an extensive leafleting campaign. Sabotage any potential, er, “equipment”. Hide the keys to the handcuffs, and smear deep heat liberally over everything. Failing the above, just try and out weird them. Pull up a pew and provide a running sports commentary. They won’t be in a hurry to do it again.
4. Step 4: Not sure if they saw you? The tension will be unbearable if you don’t know if they saw your prying eyes or not, but keep your trap shut and hope the awkwardness dissipates. You should never ever utter the sentence “Father I saw you penetrating ma ma”…Oh god I think I’m going to throw up! If you can’t manage this, just move the hell out and sever all contact. Definitely don’t try to eat them.

A Man’s Secrets to Successful Online Dating

People have taken to online dating like a duck takes to water…because it works…or, at least, it can work. Women are, in general, terrified of meeting a man that she has been chatting with online. All they have heard about are the scary things that can happen…and, I must say, they have a right to be careful to the extreme. That’s not only wise but vital. So what’s a nice guy to do? You aren’t a pervert, a sexual predator, or a weirdo. You are just a nice guy looking for “the” girl for you.

You must be patient. Don’t press her for personal information like her real name or where she lives. Keep your conversations light and fun until she feels comfortable talking with you online. Don’t try to rush her into meeting face-to-face. She will think you are desperate or a pervert. Patience. Patience. Patience.

Be absolutely honest about your physical appearance and job. A good relationship has never been, and will never be, built on lies and deceit. Eventually she will find out the truth anyway and there you are back at square one.

A picture really is worth a thousand words. Post many pictures of yourself doing your everyday activities and make them full body shots, not just head shots. If you were dating a girl in the real world she wouldn’t just see your head.

Once the discussion has been opened about meeting face-to-face for the first time, suggest that you meet in a very public place, during daylight hours and that she bring a friend with her. After all, you have nothing to hide. You’ve told her the truth about yourself and she has already seen a lot of pictures of you. The only thing left is to make her feel safe meeting you.

How To Get Naked Together For The First Time?

THE LOVE STORY:How To Get Naked Together For The First Time

How To Get Naked Together For The First Time: Worried about that monumental moment in your relationship when you have to get your clothes off in front of the other person? VideoJug’s resident lovers are here to guide the way, and help you feel better about getting naked together for the first time.

Step 1: Clothes off! Taking each other’s clothes off can be incredibly sexy. But if your horniness has made you all fumbling and sausage-fingered, then shoes, socks and anything with lots of buttons are probably best left to each other.

TOP TIP FOR HER: You aren’t a puzzle that needs a solution - help him out!

TOP TIP FOR HIM: Women don’t understand how ties work, so unless you like a bit of strangulation, handle this yourself.

Step 2: Things to hide. Remember you’re in this situation because they fancy you, so the naked you is bound to get a warm reception. But if you still hate the idea of full frontal then you can:

• use props or your environment to give tantalising glimpses of nudity
• use soft lighting to take the shimmer off your thighs
• say what the hell, and just go with it….

Step 3: Tackle out! The human body was designed to be used naked. It’s clothes that are wrong.

If you’re worried you’re not the honed Adonis your creator intended you to be, make the most of what you have, by tricking them…. Rather than facing your partner straight on, angle your body away and then turn from the waist to look at them. Keep one leg in front of the other, drop your shoulders and arch your back, subtly, to give you a more slimline shape. For more tips see VideoJug’s ‘A Girl’s Guide to Looking Good Naked‘, that’s girls guide, for girls. If all this is a bit much, just get into bed as quickly as possible.

Step 4: The morning after. You’ve just had a fantastic night, but the soft lamplight of evening has been replaced with the harsh glare of daylight. And you need a wee.

In theory, you should stride out of bed with a spring in your step, wearing only a smile. But if last night’s magnificence has deserted you. Then try

• sliding to the edge of the duvet and making a lunge for an item of clothing
• staying in bed until your partner cracks, and gets up first. This may be 3 in the afternoon, but so be it.

The Way with Baby Names

Choosing a baby name for your child is almost like choosing his identity. Ever heard about the association of a person’s name with his personality? That’s how our names really work. A name molds a person’s identity like a cookie-cutter. So, better get that best baby name for your son or daughter. Read on for some tips on how to provide that best baby name for your little angel.

1. Stop it already with the dictates of your family’s tradition. Choosing the right baby name does not have to always rely on what your elderly relatives deem to be the best baby name. It is your baby’s name, not theirs. So, better act like it. Once your baby is born he will be stuck with that baby name for life. That means it’s not wise to just settle for any baby name that will suit your grandma’s or auntie’s taste.
2. Take a look of a picture of his future. You don’t want your baby to be always called with a monicker that will forever ridicule him or will allow his playmates to make a big laughingstock out of him, right? Research about the meaning of the baby name you are eyeing to give to your baby. Don’t consider Beelzebub as a prospective baby name just because you heard it from a TV show and you find it cute. Don’t use Rodelfa just because a certain Mexican TV show’s hunky lead actor is called Rodolfo. Just plainly saying yes to your gutfeel, thinking of the people that pops into your head upon hearing somebody spout a certain name, trying to follow a fad by naming your baby a certain celebrity’s (sometimes notorious) or NOT THINKING AT ALL in giving your precious one his or her baby name are huge no-nos!
3. Consider reading the initials of the baby name you are planning to give your baby. Make sure they don’t stand for anything funny, disturbing or something utterly stupid. Christine Sue Irving? What will happen on the next episode? Alvin Stephen Stuart? He’ll surely remember not to get near any hole. Fran Ursula Catherine Klein? Uh-oh! See? Can you imagine the sickening situation you may put your child into when he or she grows up?
4. Go check your family tree once and for all. Some can’t still get away from some traditions regarding baby name decisions, especially when they have a special bond with a certain family member that they want that person’s name to be a part of their baby’s name. If your planning to still follow the tradition of putting a part of your elder relatives’ names on your baby’s name, you have to know whether anybody else in your family use that name too. You don’t want to confuse people when they’re calling a name that’s owned by two. Ask around.
5. Don’t go for the overkill. Being too creative on thinking of a baby name can backfire, I’m telling you. Examples are too unique spellings. It will be hard for the kid to keep on spelling his or her name to people who only know the common spelling of such name.
6. Decide with your partner in coming up with the best baby name for your sweet baby. It wouldn’t be nice to be always blamed when people ask who chose that awful baby name, right? Okay, kidding aside. Sharing on this kind of decision-making is a good way of furthering your bond as a couple, not to mention the possibility of coming up with a better baby name. Remember that the “two heads are better than one” thought also applies to dealing with the troubles of finding the most suitable baby name for your baby.

Sound, appeasing relatives and friends and avoiding embarrassing initials and discovery of disgusting meanings are some of the major concerns that should be considered in your quest for the perfect baby name. You might find them a bit taxing. But in the long run, you’ll see that doing your homework will make your baby thank you when the right time comes. Happy baby naming!

How To Striptease?

THE LOVE STORY:How To Striptease

You voted for us to make a film on how to striptease, well here it is! Watch as our lovers take it up a gear in the bedroom with a sexy striptease, but who’s doing the stripping….

Step 1: Togs. If you look good, you’ll feel good, so choose an outfit that enhances your features and isn’t something you’d wear everyday. It should be clothing you feel comfortable in, but don’t go for comfort at the cost of sex appeal. and don’t forget smaller items such as stockings, shoes, jewelry and scarves.

Wear a costume that allows you to get into character - so you can act out a role play that puts you firmly in the driving seat. Order him to sit down. Tell him not to touch… anything.

Step 2: Tempt. Now, crank it up a gear by putting on some music that turns you into a woman possessed… by the rhythm of your soul. Work the room, and move around him… over him… and under him.

If he tries to touch you, just tie him up. ‘Bump’ him with a pelvic thrust and then ‘Grind’ with a slow circular movement of the hips. Be confident. Parade about and revel in your own magnificence… before you even think about losing some layers.

Step 3: Taunt. You’re a present about to unwrap all by itself, but don’t let him have all his Christmasses at once, and keep it slow. Slowly unbutton your jacket with your back to him, looking over your shoulder. It’s important here to have buttons or buckles that you can undo with ease. Shrug your shoulders oh so sexily so the jacket falls down your back. Slowly remove each arm and turn to face him with the jacket still covering your traffic stoppers. Now discard the garment with the disdain it deserves….

TOP TIP: If you’re a particularly tidy person, don’t suddenly start worrying about scattering clothing all over the floor and start to hang them up - it’ll ruin the mood.

Step 4: Tantalise. Now, get those shoes off. For ease of removal, wear slip on heels, as it’s more difficult to undo straps or laces in a sexy manner. Lift your leg behind you, and kick or pull each shoe off with an exotic flourish. Next, release every woman’s secret weapon - the stocking. Stand side-on with one leg on a chair or the edge of the bed, and move your hands in the way he’d want to touch you. Look right at him and slowly roll each stocking down your leg. Once you’ve slipped them off, don’t get rid of them… use them as an extra prop to flick his ignition and sound his horn.

Step 5: Torture. Turn away from him once more and start undoing your skirt, arching your back as you do it so he gets the optimum rear view. Let the skirt drop to the floor, and carefully, seductively, step out of it. Next, undo your bra strap, release your arms, and turn to face him, holding the bra in place. Use the other hand to pull the bra out from underneath and let it fall. Keep your nerve and allow yourself to bask in your splendor. Imagine that your hands are his and do exactly what he is desperate to do to you.

Finally, remove the last, smallest garment and give him time to enjoy the view before allowing the evening to really kick into gear.